So That's What That Means......

Hello VW!

Busy week for probably everyone so you probably didn’t even notice that there hasn’t been a new post in a little while.  Let’s face it, between Christmas, my birthday, and the single malt scotch my hands have been pretty full.  On a side note I did have an amazing (or at least personally gratifying) moment yesterday that really struck a chord with me. 

As a child I was “energetic”…the type of energy that was typically disciplined 80’s style.  It was a more “tough love” type of parenting than what is typically exercised now.  How tough you ask?  Well in many cases the physical discipline would only stop as a result of poor cardiovascular conditioning or weakened structural integrity of the instrument being used.  Translation: When Mom got tired or the belt broke, I was free to go lick my wounds.  Nowadays, children get “timeouts”….perhaps a more civilized approach but hard to discount the impact that some good old fashioned sub-dermal bruising has on a child.

To keep my energy in check in public places I was put on a leash. The same type of leash that you would use with an animal…..in fact I’m almost positive my collar said “Rex” so it’s likely I was put in an actual dog leash.  PROVE ME WRONG MOM! Now I’m not a parent so I can’t sympathize with the plight of parenting in a chaotic world filled with danger at every turn BUT I can honestly say that when I hear the word “leash” I expect to hear the words “dog on a” prior.  Now I know the more preferred descriptive words are “tether” or “safety harness” however the word leash has an awesome hilarity to it that I like. Interestingly enough, many child development experts are against the use of a leash (shocking) as it limits parents from teaching children appropriate behavior and reduces parent/child interaction. Now I’m no Early Childhood Development expert so I use a much more simple illustration.  I call it the “S&E Index”.  The S stands for safety.  The E stands for embarrassment.  It seems often the more “safe” something is, the embarrassment level seems to increase proportionately. See below:

You see some things can be safe and not embarrasing like owning a Volvo. On the other hand, some things can be safe yet very embarrassing. Insert child leash.  As I navigated my way through what felt like the busiest place on earth yesterday I noticed several babies / children / Grade 2 students on leashes.  They were EVERYWHERE.  I was truly perplexed at first then my natural inquisitive nature took over and I started observing in an attempt to spot a trend or pattern.  It didn’t take long to notice that all of the leashed humans that I saw were all of a certain ethnicity. Curious indeed. 

Why would one race in particular feel the need to leash their offspring?  Were genetics at play? What was the consistent concern? Why the need to keep such a close tab?  Then I said it out loud and slowly: “TAB”.  Holy shit……TAB was actually an acronym for “Tethered Asian Baby”.  Now I’m not sure if my experience was unique or if the sightings were purely coincidental but it was very revealing.  I’m 100% confident that every race must use this type of close proximity parenting…it was just interesting that I didn’t see it.  I really felt for those children having grown up with a 9 foot pivot point with my childhood experiences limited to the radius of my leash……SAD.

Now to the story – another late night experience that came a few months after my initiation to sleep talking.  I was in a stage where I was still surprised but it was becoming more expected…like watching the 6^th Sense for the third time.  On this particular night I thought that I would push the boundaries to test the level of consciousness that SO had while sleep talking. Setting is late night juice run to the kitchen:

C:            (in my head) “Damn that’s good juice…..how do the good people at Tropicana produce such consistently great results with their grapefruit juice?  Always the right amount of tartness mixed with sweet.  They claim that there are no additives….good God that’s amazing. I hope their Quality Assurance personnel are well paid." – you can see that my thought process at this time of the night isn’t exactly profound.

SO:         (as I return) “What are you doing?”

This is the moment that I thought “let’s see what’s really going on”…….so what did I decide to do you ask? I went with the classic cold shoulder.  I figured why bother answering the question of a sleeping individual? So I continued on my way excited to fall back in to a sumptuous slumber.  Before I could take two more steps I was greeted with a much more forceful tone:

SO:         “I said – WHAT are YOU doing?!” (I can’t say for sure but I feel like the phrasing and emphasis had professional training behind it…..I was genuinely concerned for my safety)

C:            “Cheese and Rice! I’m getting some juice….what did you think I was doing?! Are you sleeping?”

SO:         “zzzzzzzzzzzz……”

C:            “Oh for the Love of God.  You just HAD to know what I was doing in the middle of the night like I was coming back in from plotting a coordinated terrorist attack and you’re not even awake?!”

SO:         “zzzzzzzzzz…….”

C:            “You are fascinating.”  (This is the term I use when I want to say “frustrating”)

SO:         “zzzzzzzzzz…..”

Have you ever been so angry that you can’t fall asleep?  Your mind replaying recent events over and over again? There I was wondering why a normal rational human being would behave like this. The answer was overwhelmingly simple….sleep talkers are not normal rational human beings when they are in this state.  Quite the opposite in fact…they become nocturnal enigmas.  A mystery that is only rivaled by tethered Asian babies.  Some mysteries are perhaps better left unsolved like Easter Island, Stonehenge, orgy odor removal, or why I keep eating spicy chicken wings knowing that the “physiological aftermath” is rarely worth the treat.

Next post – watching a sleep talker become a “sleep destroyer of the bathroom”. True story.

Sleep well,

C.