"Are You Drunk ?!".......

Hello VW!

Well I never could have imagined that my blog could stir up a little controversy after just 2 posts!  Imagine my surprise when a Friend of mine took time from their busy day to express their discontent.  Now to be fair, there was actually no commentary on the content of my blog but rather the mere fact that I was contributing to a blog in general.  I took the liberty of recording this electronic conversation for your enjoyment:

Friend:                  “Dude, you and I need to talk!”

C:                            “About?”

Friend:                  “Don’t even pretend like you don’t know”

C:                            “I don’t. Honestly.”

Friend:                  “Duuuude.”

C:                            “WHAT?!”

Friend:                  “I noticed something on your facebook page…….I’m appalled.”

C:                            “My blog?”

Friend:                  (sick face emoticon)…. “I expected more of you.”

C:                            “As in ‘more humor’?”

Friend:                  “Mhm, whatever you have to tell yourself”

C:                            “What are your specific views on blogging?”

Friend:                  “They are for chicks.  You are not a chick”

C:                            “That seems like an antiquated notion don’t you think?”

Friend:                  “I find it clear and concise”

C:                            “Well what if I’m able to bring a bit of laughter to someone’s life with my stories? Don’t I have a responsibility to do so?”

Friend:                  “Yes. By sharing it with them over a beer!”

C:                            “My first post had nearly 200 views in the first day….that’s a LOT of beer”

Friend:                  “Don’t you like beer?”

C:                            “I do but that volume of beer is likely to lead to liver failure and/or an alcoholic coma”

I’ll spare you the excruciating details of the remainder of the conversation……bottom line was that there was some serious concern from Friend that my blog was going to put my “manliness” in to question.  Joke is on Friend – I have very limited manliness.

As promised – “ARE YOU DRUNK”:

This was one of the single most awkward experiences I have had in a bedroom and that includes the fact/theory that a cousin of mine trained a seven year old Golden Retriever to use my face/pillow as a make shift fire hydrant.  So here’s how this experience went down……

I awoke in the middle of the night for (wait for it)…juice.  Tropicana Ruby Red Grapefruit to be exact.  It’s the Mercedes Benz of juices.  Priced slightly above the “comfortable range” for most but appreciated by many.  Took my standard four chugs as three leaves me wanting and five is a recipe for bloating.  I know what you’re thinking – “No glass? No class.” It’s ok…it’s my juice exclusively. 

As I entered the bedroom, my manly silhouette casting a manly shadow (eat shit Friend) I was greeted by an incredibly accusatory tone asking an incredibly accusatory question –

SO:         “Are you drunk?”
C:            “ Huh? What? I’m a …… No.”

SO:         “ARE YOU DRUNK?!” – really important to note my case sensitive intensity

C:            “No. I really don’t think so.”

SO:         “You and your friends are out there getting drunk.”

C:            “Ummmmm....are you sleeping?”

SO:         “NO. I’m awake!”

C:            “You sure?”

SO:         “zzzzzzzzz………..”

So as I stood there bewildered, recently hydrated, perplexed, and cold I had an expression one could only describe as mildly constipated.  What had just happened?  Why would someone verbally assault me in the middle of night? I attempted to lie down but my mind was a flurry of activity…was I drunk? Who were these friends? How can someone start snoring near mid-sentence? Every neuron in my cerebral cortex was firing and no amount of Ruby Red Grapefruit juice was going to satisfy my thirst for understanding WTF just happened.

The following morning I attempted to explain what had transpired just hours before.  SO was in disbelief….and I’m inclined to think that there was a strong suspicion that I made the story up purely for comic relief.  Frustrated I was.  Imagine having a great story and not a witness to be found.  You look left, you look right….NOTHING.  I might be willing to invest in bedroom surveillance equipment but my fear of “humorafterdark” turning in to a mockery of the male form keeps me from making that leap.

I wish I could bring you all back to that night.  I wish my writing could do justice to the events.  I can do neither so if you are ever interested in hearing this story live and in person I’m more than happy to oblige. (Seriously …. I LOVE telling this story over a beer.)

My next tale: The “Comparable to Randy Macho Man Savage Flying Elbow” delivered to my face in the middle of the night story. Yes….. it hurt.

Sleep Well,

C.