Rapid Fire Diarrhea.......

Hello VW!

I’ll start this post with two sincere apologies.  Firstly, I’ve been extremely ill over the past few days and wasn’t able to muster the strength to write a new post.  Let’s be honest…there are likely only two people on the planet that “eagerly” await new posts from me and my mother and father really shouldn’t count.  Secondly, the title of this post was a not-so-subtle marketing ploy AND gift to Friend.  Some of you may recall Friend from my previous post.  In any event, it was important to Friend that I find a way to incorporate the term “rapid fire diarrhea” in to my latest post. It will also be very telling of my audience if this is my most viewed post. Consider yourself part of my virtual marketing research!

Let’s get to the meat and potatoes of this post – my late night encounter with a flying elbow that would have sent shivers through the spines of former WWF wrestlers.  Now to set the stage I want you to imagine being in the deepest sleep you’ve ever been in.  The kind of deep sleep that is almost surreal in its blissfulness.  You know what I mean……just imagine a sweet serenity of slumber that dances between the line of stage 4 sleep and a coma. Are you there?  Can you feel your body starting to drift off? Perfect……

So you’re in what I like to call the “Sleep Groove”…body position is ideal, ambient temperature is as warm as a hug from Oprah Winfrey (imagine her now – not skinny) yet the pillow was as cool as Tom Selleck (imagine him then – not now). For illustrative purposes I’ve included a color wheel below for reference. 

Everything on that particular evening was aligned for an epic night of sleep.  Cue: Massive head trauma.  From literally out of nowhere I felt an elbow deliver a crushing blow to my orbital bone. The pain was both instantaneous and astonishing in nature.  My first thought was that I was a victim of a home invasion.  Take out the man first….smart robbers.  As I attempted to open my now one good eye and have my pupils dilate I noticed that there were no shadowy hulking figures in the room. Nothing of the sort at all….just the barely comprehensive mutterings of my SO:

SO:         “Owwww…….your face hurt my elbow”

C:            “Excuse me?! You’re Jackie Chan inspired flying elbow just gave me a hematoma!"

SO:         “zzzzzzzzzzzz”

C:            “Are you KIDDING ME?!”

SO:         “zzzzzzzzzzzzz”

I couldn’t believe that I was a victim of a physical assault and the response was a snore.  As I sat in the living room with a bag of frozen peas on my forehead hoping it would magically fix the bones on my head I was still imaging what my night had been like just 7 minutes prior.  Did I need to go to bed with full protective gear and mouth guard moving forward?  What was SO dreaming of that would prompt such a violent outburst? I recognize that shared sleep comes with certain inherent risks but none of the below prepared me;

The Dagger Toe – a dangerously sharp big toe toenail. In extreme cases, blood will be drawn.

The Dutch Oven – a.k.a "The Covered Wagon" a.k.a. "Nuke Town" a.k.a. "The Merchant of Death". This is potent flatulence released under cover then wafted up to the unsuspecting victim.

The Jimmy Legs – Also known as “Restless Leg Syndrome”. Unbelievably annoying for the person with well rested legs.

The Mack Truck – the type of 80+ decibel snoring that can cause tone deafness.

I laid back to rest and fell back to sleep relatively quickly. Doctors would later tell me that was a result of the internal bleeding and soft tissue damage.  When the sun arose I had (surprise surprise) a splitting headache. When SO awoke I immediately went in to cross examination:

C:            “Sooooo……do you remember last night?”

SO:         “I remember that your face got in the way of my elbow at some point.”

C:            “Yeah….that’s exactly what happened.  I think they usually describe hit and runs with pedestrians the same way…..pesky people getting in the way of speeding cars and causing bumper damage.”

SO:         “Sorry?”

C:            “Please don’t say it like it’s a question……it plays down the magnitude.  On another note, have you ever thought of a career in mixed martial arts?  That elbow smash could be measured on the Richter Scale.”

So that was that.  I now needed to be prepared for anything from conversations/accusations to hand to hand combat.   Brings new meaning to the term “sleep with one eye open”.  Have you ever been struck in the middle of the night as a result of the wreckless negligence of someone else? I’d be curious to know because to date I have yet to hear of anyone getting run over like I did.

That’s it for now folks…… Happy Holidays and as always – Sleep Well!

C.