The Henckel Toe........

Hello VW!

I’m awful…really truly awful.  I’m like a Guatemalan YMCA on a hot summer day – there’s just nothing good about me.  That was my apology for not posting in 3 weeks. For those that understand the work that I do you can appreciate my tardiness.  For those that have no idea what I do for a living I’m a CIA operative and my latest mission was an extraction of highly sensitive material from Guatemala hence my knowledge of what the current YMCA conditions are like.

Well I’m back now safe and sound and ready to whip it out – “it” of course being another great (based on true events) story of what happens to me when the sun goes down.  I had promised in my last post that I would tell you about the “Sleep Destroyer of the Bathroom” but what happened to me just mere days ago was far too appetizing to not share.  This is my encounter with “Henckel Toes”

As I was laying down to rest recently I went through my standard range of emotions – a strange and overwhelming mixture of excitement and relaxation.  You see the prospect of going to sleep gets me so excited that often I can’t actually fall asleep for some time.  It’s a classic “Catch 22” scenario.  The whole process is just amazing and thankfully tiresome so slumber typically happens rather quickly.  This night appeared to be like any other – I had sufficient juice stores to keep me hydrated and my socks were on (soon to be off).  This was a night of sleep before returning to work which is always bittersweet but there was nothing in the air to suggest that I was – again – going to be a victim of a physical assault.

To give you a little back story, recently SO suffered a pretty interesting and self inflicted injury.  Someone cutting themselves is a rather common injury at home.  In fact, webmd.com lists cuts as the 5^th most common injury behind falls, choking and suffocation, burns, and poisoning.  Part of me feels like these “injuries” are more like “conflict resolution events” but who am I to say.  In any event, we’ve all been cut before…..that said, how many of you have been cut on your hand by your OWN TOE?  You read that correctly: Your toe, your hand, SLICE!  Right now you’re thinking to yourself :

“But how did this happen?  I mean my toes and my hands are friends…they would never want to hurt each other!  Even if they were somehow sworn arch enemies, how could the toe generate the sheer velocity needed to pierce the flesh of the hand.  I mean they are literally on opposite ends of the body!”

Well it’s true.  When I first heard it I started to keel over with laughter…then I saw the wound which made me laugh even harder!  I’ve included the transcript below:

SO:         “I cut myself”

C:            “Sorry to hear that.  Whereabouts?”

SO:         “My hand”

C:            “Very common injury.  Hands are used pretty steadily throughout the day so odds are stacked against them for sure.  How did you cut yourself?”

SO:         “My toe”

C:            “I thought you said you cut your hand”

SO:         “I did.”

C:            “OK…but HOW?”

SO:         “With my toe.”

C:            “I’m sorry…..are you trying to tell me that your own toe cut your own hand?”

SO:         “Yes.”

C:            “I have a couple of questions obviously now…..what was your toe doing up near your hand and perhaps more importantly, why is your toe SHARP ENOUGH TO CUT?!”

SO:         “I don’t know…I was trying to have a nap and it just happened.”

C:            “You and I nap very differently.  You know I’ll have to blog about this right?”

SO:         (dejected) “I know.”

C:            “Thank you for making my material unbelievably true to life. Any chance I could get a photo of both the injury and the toe?”

SO:         “NO!”

So there I was, still stunned and confused about the mechanics behind cutting yourself with…well….yourself.  Cue karma (living up to its reputation of being a bitch). Let’s fast forward to slumber time.  As I was just about to find my optimal sleep positioning – lately I’ve been working on the “pillow choke” - I was struck by an instantly hot (friction) sensation immediately followed by a cool (bleeding) sensation on my left ankle. What had just happened? Have you ever been so confused that your face hurts? That was me.  As I reached for my foot I couldn’t help but think that there wasn’t a reasonable and rational explanation for what had just occurred until I heard these next two words:

SO:         “I’m sorry.” (rather casually and somewhat mumbled…a little too cavalier to be sincere)

C:            “Are you serious?!  Was that your TOE?”

SO:         “I didn’t mean to….” (rolling over and away and still mumbled)

C:            “Sweet Baby Jesus!  First you cut yourself and then that wasn’t enough?  Is it logical for me to think that somehow your toe is even SHARPER than before? No wait…. That last cut probably dulled your weapon. Look at this!”

SO:         “zzzzzzzzz”

Now I was going to take a picture but it was late.  Then I was going to put in a picture from Google for “illustrative purposes only”.  Whatever you do, don’t search “cut on foot” on Google.  You will forever regret it and there some things that you simply can’t “unsee”.  I’m serious. Don’t do it. It’s f@#king disgusting.

After tending to my now one inch non-surgical incision I was left shaking my head…..was I the first victim of a “Henckel Toe”?  Were there cases of this at local hospitals? Support groups for victims?  It seemed like such a senseless injury.  I vowed from that moment on to focus on prevention through education. There is no need to use your toes like a prison shiv people….in fact, as proven above and similar to guns in the home, you are more likely to be a victim of your own weapon. Learn more at my dedicated website www.softfeetandtoes.org (don’t click…it’s a joke people).

True story.

Sleep Well!